Life is what happens and always gets in the way.

Its been a while since I have written. I haven't lost sight of my goals, just been trudging along in my struggle and fight. What a mental challenge weight loss is. It's tiring to work out, its tiring not to see the scale or your pants size move, its tiring to not know what to do next, but its worth the fight of fatigue.  Its the long term changes that make everyone a better person,

We started a new weight loss challenge at the gym. Its something that we all needed to kick us into gear. The prize- $1000.00 - yep 1K. Do you know what I would do with 1K???? Hell, I don't know either. The teamwork is unbelievable. Everyone is sharing recipes, struggles and challenges. Social media has made it so easy to share challenges, results, and struggles to help everyone understand what it takes to win.  Why we cant do it on our own- I might never know. The struggle is real for all of us. Some are single, some are grandparents -we all have the same challenges. One of the things I have learned over the last three weeks is that people fuel people. Bad behaviors fuel more bad behaviors. Seems simple, yet we all struggle with it.

Spend time on yourself and challenge yourself with real rewards. Dont take good enough for an answer. Making yourself better will be the only thing that drives you forward.

How do you find your motivation? Where does your journey begin?

So we all have a friend or a family member on Facebook that shares motivational quotes or photos. In the past I would breeze past them or stop and read them and not think about why people share them. This journey has me stopping to read and share these not only to motivate myself but to possibly help the one person that stops and reads. How many times do we go through life and not pay attention or share little details with others? How many time could someone benefit from a smile, a compliment, a quote or even a small message on Facebook? I want to share how I got to this place.

Facebook is a wonderful thing (and a terrible thing). It allows you to connect and reconnect with friends, teachers, family and people you meet on your journey. This is how I found my next step in this journey. A very sweet girl I went to school with (well, I would love to say I went to school with her but I went to school with her older brother) found out she was pregnant for the first time about the same time I found out I was pregnant with Georgia. I loved watching her experience pregnancy the first time. I would remember taking those weekly photos and comparison pics to look back on my changing body. Who knew it was actually these changes that would have me reaching out for her help.

See- this girl has it. She didnt take her changing body for granted and used it to help others. She started getting a group of other ladies (mostly moms) just like me and started a small group to work out together. I would watch them through Facebook and wish I could join them on their weeknight adventures but my schedule never would marry up to their workouts. I would watch on the sidelines (Facebook) at the fun and changes they were having and envy it, however, I wasn't ready to take that plunge.

After I started seeing the doctor for weight loss I was content with working out alone. After weeks of slowed weight loss I ended up searching for something else. A few ladies I knew over the years from school started attending and raving about this fitness family. I knew I had to try it. I spent the next week building myself up to go only to find out I was sick. I was deflated and lost yet another week of progress. After a few days I got that chance. A chance to try what everyone was raving about. Although nerves were full, I walked in and have yet to stop.

This place is love from the start. The energy that is in this small building is amazing. People who don't know you are pushing you. There are all ages and sizes constantly motivating you. Correction on form, helping that push to a higher weigh or resistance or even a small step faster while running or even doing burpees. This is what I needed. A sense of community, a drive and a smile when I walked through the door. I cant say enough for these last three weeks. I am so glad I have this motivator. I spend most of my time with a renewed love of myself. I can see where I want to be, not stuck on where I am currently.

Check her out and check it out- Anchor Fitness with Leah is amazing. You can try a class or sign up for the motivation. All you have to do is walk in the front door.

Sickness - mentally and physically. How do we get past it.

The last few weeks have been hard. Mentally and physically it has been challenging. Weight loss has slowed and our entire family came down with the stomach bug and it flat de-railed an entire week of progress. I know tests and trials will come up, however, getting through it is the challenge. I flat failed more than I care to admit in the last few weeks.

The stomach flu is no joke. The baby started first. Middle of the night puking, lots of crying, lots of whining and worst yet- me getting the same bug. I hate puking. I could never be bulimic due to my hate of puking. I spent two days under the weather. Life doesn't stop. Work doesn't stop. You might feel like death, but the kids still need care and you still need to keep your job. Mentally, I was spent. Physically, I was spent. Not always sure how I get through some of this, but in the end I surprise myself and make myself feel better.

Mental challenges seem to keep creeping up on me. I am not sure why I am so freaking emotional (well I know I just don't like to use it as an excuse), but I struggled. I constantly.I need to get out of my own head. I need to push myself harder than I think I can go. I need someone to tell me that I can do it. There are days when I feel mentally strong and others when I feel like I am not capable of doing anything outside of my normal routine. I am not sure why I let people get in my head or things and situations get in my head but they do. Simple things, things that I need to work through and focus on are the key. I need that little bubble hanging on me that keeps me going. It reminds me that I am human, but I am capable of failing.

I was a little nervous about weighing in this last week. I finally was able to get meal privileges back in my diet (daily vs. special occasion). When I had the stomach bug, I wasn't able to work out. I was scheduled to do a new fitness class and was pretty bummed I had to miss it. It took me days to get my strength back up. It took me days to get my sweat out again. The scale reminded me of it. Its been a little over 8 weeks and I have only gained one week. Over Christmas and Thanksgiving I have only had ONE week of gain. That is a kick ass thing. My old self would have NEVER been able to do that. Progress is there, I still need to get out of my head.

I know I say it a lot- but seriously why do I let myself stay in my head? It's the little things. I am behind a gentleman much older and much larger than me for a weigh in. He asks what his final weight was and it was the same as my current weight. I was screaming inside. Second conversation with a friend who is on a weight loss journey. I find out that she is a lower weight than me. It was gut wrenching. I should be happy for these people and instead I am crying inside. Why did I let myself get to this place. I have been avoiding looking at myself for all angles If I look at myself straight in the mirror it doesn't look as bad. Why I didn't make myself turn to the side or the back is beside me. When you start a journey like this its mental. I will continue to struggle until I see more progress. One more day this week until I weigh in. One more day until I get some progress on the scale. One more day to struggle and fight to make myself better.

Stay with me. Remind me why I am doing this. Tell me why and tell me that I am doing a good job. Progress is progress. 0.5lbs of weight loss is still a loss. I sure didnt gain it all in a day, a week or a month. It will take time and will happen.

A little down in the dumps- need some motivation

So what do you do when everyone around you communicates their weight and you realize that you are heavier than people you assumed that were much heavier than you? - you pout. That is where I am today. I had a weigh in at the doctor over lunch and realized that even though I am down 14.5lbs and managed to still lose 0.6lbs last week I had a giant blow while scheduling my next appointment. The gentleman in front of me was asking where he was at this week (it is a weight loss center so its common) and I realize that he weighs the SAME AMOUNT AS ME. I know that body composition is a lot of it but seriously- he was like a million feet taller than me and much larger (so I thought).

Do you ever have days when you just want to scream and lose motivation? I am glad I had this appointment today and realized that I needed a pep talk. I ate my lunch and decided a workout was going to happen after work so I could spend more time and focus rather than have a pity party.

Wish me luck as I try to get through this funk. I think we all need some push sometimes!

Holidays are for the birds when you are on a diet

I am trying my hardest not to consider this a diet. If I feel as if I am missing something, I will binge or go for it. Bad behaviors to change. The holidays are hard. Cookies, candy, cheese (omg where did all this cheese come from and how can I not say yes), drinks, snacks, parties - I cant handle the temptations. These last two weeks have been rough. I will do my best to recap and where I am at. I write this as a honest testament to how I am doing. I am holding myself accountable writing this each time. Someone has to shame me (even if it is myself) when I struggle and fail. I will look back on these in the future and remind myself to never do it again. I am hoping that day comes sooner rather than later. I have to get there first.

So after my last entry there were temptations. SO MANY TEMPTATIONS! My mom, sister and I spent the night of the 18th baking Christmas cookies. I fought temptation and only ate dinner with my family, not the cookies. Huge win here. If you would see how my mom bakes for the holidays you would know how hard it is to say no. I felt like this was a huge win. I kept up on my workouts, had a sugar free Jello (not bad if you need a sweet snack), and called it a win. The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful. Stayed on the path and got my workout in. This is the key when I have a fail. Walk it off!

The week of Christmas was a bit tougher. My girlfriends scheduled a Christmas dinner at an amazing restaurant and I knew it would break the diet. I worked out that morning, ate well the rest of the day and did my best to make good choices. A glass of wine, pickled veg and some cheese bites (this is a weakness) and a piece of meat off a meat and cheese board, salmon for dinner with veg and a few bites of risotto on a shared plate. Not my best meal, but enjoying the holiday was what I wanted. We ended up at a wine bar after with a glass of champagne and dessert (smores roasted table side) and a midnight return home was a girls night I needed. A few extra workouts are due for that, but I really did enjoy company of friends and other moms. Need to do this more.

Christmas eve and day were a bit tougher. Christmas eve I was due for a weigh in. Time was not on my side - literally. I was 5 minutes late and the office was closed. I was a little down over this. I like stepping on the scale and seeing progress. I would have felt much better getting on the scale. I got through dinner at my mother in laws, my parents dinner and a brunch with the husband and I am feeling just fine. Some mistakes (egg casserole for brunch wasn't on the good list but tasted amazing), but I managed. It wasn't until the next week I struggled.

Most of the weeks prior to Christmas I was getting workouts in. Week of Christmas workouts were fine. I was able to get 2-3 miles in a day outside, abs and some squats at home. The week between Christmas and New Year was much tougher. The temperature outside was frigid and wet. Rain almost every day and the days without rain were literally 40 degrees or lower. I lost my motivation. I didn't eat well for New Years Eve (didn't drink) but struggled. I went to the weigh in thinking I was going to gain weight. I lucked out and am down 2.4 more pounds over these two weeks but I am losing momentum.

Back at it again this week. Three days- three workouts and three good days of eating. Sometimes you have to fail to understand how you have to get to the goal. I will keep pushing. Just need it to go faster sometimes.

Month one down- a lifetime to go

Month one is over. I met with the nurse last week and reported 8.5lbs of weight loss and a little over 2 inches from the waist. I was a bit disappointed in the weight but knowing the waist measurement was moving rapidly it proved to be a bit of a lift. This appointment was a review of the numbers. I didn't want to see them but I knew I had to figure out a plan of attack. 

Cholesterol- just fine. Borderline high but fine. Small changes will keep me in range. 

Hormones- could be better. Ruled out PCOS which was great but the numbers confirmed that a lot of my issues were as a result of internal issues. Progesterone once a day should help manage this. 

Insulin- holy bad numbers Batman. My insulin resistance is 2x what a normal high level is. Since we are treating with Metformin I moved doses to manage my levels. Still working on getting back to the correct does but working on it. 

Thyroid- kinda low. Small dose of thyroid meds should help me feel like a human again. 

If anyone knows me you will know that I don't really like taking meds. How does one who can barely take a vitamin remember all of this. After a few days of reminders I am finally getting the hang of it. It's a game of putting pills everywhere I need them but a simple slap in the face does help. 

Month two will get better. Addition of veggies will make things easier. Having options to add to soups will make them more appealing. Keep your fingers crossed the weight still comes down. Aiming for 10% weight loss at 6 mos. the sooner the better in my mind. 

It's all about the stats... well at least to the doctor it is.

I have been lax at posting and I realize that I need to do it more to keep my sanity. Seriously, who does this stuff. I know there are a million people out there doing the same thing as I am but its hard to focus on the support until I get my crap together. Hopefully I will be looking back on this and seeing the struggle and making myself stop before I get back into these situations.

Weight loss is all about the numbers. I am still not at a point where I feel like I can share numbers. Putting that out there is very personal, and I am not there yet. The numbers when I stepped on the scale made me cry. I put on a tough face and tried to act like it wasn't a shock but I am shocked. I have never  been one to find myself unhealthy, but hell- I am not in a good place.  I knew when I went in I would be signing up to see these numbers often, but seeing them weekly is a blow I have to continue to take each week.

Week one- wow. Understanding how my body works and what my composition currently is a great start. These amazing scales tell me a lot about my insides. My weight, my body mass, body fat percentage, muscle percentage and it tells me what I would weigh with no body fat. This is a number I will share. It was an eye opener to me. 132lbs. That is the number that I would weigh with 0% body fat. Seriously, I know people who consider that a happy place with body fat. I am not going to be a skinny girl. I like my muscles and my curves, but need to find that happy medium. The prescription is 1000 calories a day for 2-3lbs of weight loss per week. Slow and steady wins the race.  Some follow up blood work to understand what else is going on in my body and I am on my way.

This first week sucked. I mean going from eating pretty much anything you want to not only limiting calories but also only using shakes, puddings and soups. First few days of motivation were easy. I didnt have to think about what I was going to eat. You open a drink for breakfast, you have a soup for lunch, a pudding or a drink for snack, pudding or soup for dinner, and another shake prior to bed. 200 calories split over each meal and balanced to keep my blood sugar in check, protein in checks, maintain body mass while burning fat. First few days are great, that is when the first challenges presented itself.

The first time out to eat with my family was sucky. I didn't want to be rude to the restaurant so I order an iced tea and some green beans. I dodged my first bullet and didn't feel like I was ruining the time of my families dinner. All I wanted was some great homemade Asian noodles and some great steamed veg. The second time out was a lot more difficult. I left the house without a game plan. I drank my drink in the morning and left for errands. 6 hours later we were faced with lunch and I had nothing with me. I picked a salad out with the family but was behind on calories all day. I grabbed a snack and tried to keep up but I could tell I didnt have enough calories for the day. It was fingers crossed I didnt botch the diet.

Week one was finally over. I survived the mixes and found I liked a lot of them at that point, however, I was still nervous about the scale.  After a quick trip in to get more product and step on the scale I was down 4.6lbs. Happy with the movement but now understood that it was a very slow process. I have a lot of weight to lose. I will keep pushing myself to write more about this journey. Hopefully I will see this as part of the direction.